why you can’t have it all - & that’s not a bad thing
RELATIONSHIPS
WRITTEN BY KIM
MARCH 23, 2025
Let me take you on a journey – let’s call it a visualisation with a difference...
Picture this: A perfectly presented woman – tidy, neat hair, ‘natural’ makeup, manicured nails (with not a chip in sight) – effortlessly rocking the latest fashion in an "I-just-threw-this-together" kind of way.
It’s teatime. She’s in the kitchen, on her phone, delegating to her team while stirring something organically sumptuous on her top-of-the-range oven (she doesn’t need home help – she can 'have it all').
The fridge is stocked with fresh, healthy foods. Her three children, aged 12, 8, and 6, are all occupied – either with their homework or playing a competitive, yet fair, game of football on their vast, sprawling lawn. Their home, the biggest in their highly sought-after ‘crescent’, is immaculate, yet she remains completely unbothered by muddy footprints and messy, deafening chaotic playdates. As long as the cherubs are having fun!
Before long, her (of course tall, dark, and handsome) husband walks in. They share a passionate (yet child-appropriate) embrace as he compliments both her outfit and the tantalising aromas from the kitchen.
After a swift change into her gym attire (think Lululemon – obvs), she updates him on the big pitch her team won that morning before heading out to a spin class with close friends.
Later, she stays behind to chair a video conference with some bigwigs in a different time zone, securing approval for a project she has been working on for months.
After a quick change into yet another set of ‘spot on’ clothes, she meets a different set of friends – fellow school mums – to plan the next fundraiser. A couple of glasses of wine and some delicious tapas later (no overindulging here, she has excellent willpower), she heads home to find a spotless kitchen as she’d left time to clear up (obviously), sleeping children, and her loving husband on the couch engrossed in his phone – bless him, he needs to relax after a long day.
She decides to run a bath but before stepping into the warm water, she defrosts homemade cakes she baked over the weekend for tomorrow’s school sale and books slots for the 3 kids’ parents evening.
Post bath, she replies to the 346 WhatsApp messages from this evening, orders two personalised gifts, arranges a birthday card for her father-in-law, and schedules a plumber to fix the leak in the downstairs toilet, all before slipping into bed, fully moisturised, exfoliated, and adorned in sexy-yet-tasteful pyjamas.
As she reviews her calendar for the following day and then picks up her book, her husband gives her a knowing wink. (I’ll let you imagine how that story ends.)
In this article:
01 The Myth of 'Having It All'
02 The Hidden Cost of 'Having It All'
03 What If We Reframed Success on OUR Terms?
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The Myth of ‘Having it All’
Sound exhausting? That’s because it is.
Sound real? I mean...
This narrative – the one of the women who can ‘have it all’ - DO it all, BE it all, and look perfect 24/7 is still dangled in front of us as an aspirational ideal.
We’re sold the idea that 'having it all' is possible if we just plan better, work harder, and master the art of 'balance.' Not to mention a good dose of ‘just-suck-it-up-age’.
What we’re not told is that this version of 'having it all' is an illusion. A curated insta highlight reel if you like.
A standard so impossibly high that it’s not just unsustainable – in reality, it’s unattainable (unless living in a fake, exhausted, unhappy, on-the-edge existence floats your boat of course).
The Hidden Cost of ‘Having it All’
We all have different opinions on where this almost inherent need to 'have it all' comes from – our upbringing, people we’ve idolised from afar, societal pressures, or our own inner voice. But one thing is clear: striving to 'have it all' often comes at a huge cost in so many ways:
Our mental health
Our physical health
Our presence in the moments that matter
Our ability to actually enjoy the things we’re working so hard to maintain
The pressure to be the perfect professional, the engaged and 'gentle' parent, the supportive partner, the organised/fun/drunk friend, the fitness enthusiast, the household CEO, the owner of a show home – STOP.
It’s a relentless, exhausting cycle.
No wonder it can leave us frantic, feeling like we’re failing – at everything, no matter how much we achieve.
What if we Reframed Success on OUR Terms?
I’ll say it again – S.T.O.P.
What if, instead of chasing the myth of 'having it all,' we stopped to define what having OUR all means?
Success on OUR terms – a life in which we feel fulfilled, not frantic. One where we put our physical and mental health first (and reap the rewards), enjoy our work (but not at the expense of all else), and embrace the reality of parenting – celebrating the joys while acknowledging the challenges. One where we don’t beat ourselves up for shouting at our kids or giving them pizza and screen time. (My kids LOVE a pub trip!)
A life where we have enough time to be present, to enjoy the ups and downs rather than just survive them.
Sound good? (at the very least it does to me!)
The Secret Ingredient? Self-Kindness
If I had the magic formula for this, I’d be a billionaire – but there is no such thing. What I can tell you, though, is this: the key is SELF-KINDNESS.
Extending kindness to ourselves in the same way we do to others is NOT easy (that’s another story!), but the good news is that it’s something we can start doing right now – one micro-moment at a time.
And no, self-kindness doesn’t have to mean bubble baths and spa days (though they’re lovely!). It can be as simple as wearing your 'good' perfume on a random Sunday, going for a five-minute walk (without your phone), or even changing how you talk to yourself. Next time something doesn’t go to plan, instead of thinking, "You stupid cow," try asking yourself, "What would I say to my best mate in this moment?"
Being present. Showing ourselves kindness. Recognising that we are not failing – we are simply human
Redefining ‘Having it All’
It all starts with defining what 'OUR' all looks like. Choosing where to focus our energy isn’t a failure; it’s a necessary kindness. It’s about making intentional choices based on our values, not on an impossible standard set by someone else.
When we accept that we can’t have it all, we free ourselves from the guilt of not doing enough. We make space for what truly matters.
So, what does YOUR all look like?
Because you can’t have it all. And that’s not a bad thing. In fact, it might just be the best thing. When you let go of the unrealistic expectation that you should be everything to everyone, you give yourself permission to live a life where self-kindness is at the core.
Before you know it, you’re showing up for yourself AND those who matter most in a way that is truly fulfilling – and no less than you deserve, my friend.
about the author
CONTRIBUTING WRITER
Kim Stokes is an experienced coach and former HR leader with over 15 years in the corporate world. Kim specialises in supporting overwhelmed working mums to find balance and fulfilment in both their professional and personal lives.
As the founder of Kindness for Success, Kim partners with clients who feel like they're constantly smashing plates instead of spinning them.
Whether it's the mental load keeping them awake at night or the pressure of "having it all! (which she doesn’t subscribe to), Kim helps them flip that notion to define and live their all – success on their own terms.
kim
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